FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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