Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
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