They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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