I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
