yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
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They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
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This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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