There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
