Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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