I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize