I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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