I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
