Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Randomize
