I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
i am craving dick and cupcakes
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
