Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
