I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
