Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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