So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
