At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Randomize
