he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
We're too hungover to prance.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
