Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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