I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
