I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
