yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Someone signed my nipple.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
