Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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