When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
