don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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