My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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