Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
