The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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