I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
