I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
