naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
