You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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