If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
