He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence