you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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