ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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