i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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