wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
