Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
