I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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