I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
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I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
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I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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