I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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