I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
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i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
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I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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