A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
