This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
