I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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