Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
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Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
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Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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