mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
okay pat passed out under dana's car
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
