Me. At least after what I've been through.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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