Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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