I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
