is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
