Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
