I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
