Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
