I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
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Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
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I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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