Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
