Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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