can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
